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| Monday, September 22nd, 2008 | | 1:25 pm |
what the real detroit has had to say about all of it
June 25th: A year ago you wouldn't have believed this. Sucker punched by someone's decision to drop the ball, you're not quite sure what's happening. The tendency to dramatize what no amount of emotion can change will only keep you from having it all. This isn't as bad as it looks. If you're smart, you'll rearrange your thoughts and see the glass as half full. Because whatever went down the drain isn't worth all this pain. You can't see it now, but in time you'll wonder why you drive yourself nuts over this. August 27th: You have come to a moment of truth and it may be absolutely devistating. Isn't it amazing how our illusions trick us into seeing things that aren't really there? This crisis is an opportunity to heal. Keep focused on what's inside instead of putting all your happiness and power out there. Once you get through this you'll wonder why you ever put yourself down. There are too many good things floating around in the ethers for you to let your emotions block them from coming in. Deal with your sadness and move on. September 10th: Too much has happened for you to be able to make sense of it. This has been going on for a while. Your ability to adapt is great for some things, but at this point, the need to get grounded can't be overemphasized. Volumes of experience and change don't amount to much if we don't take the time to integrate their lessons. You've got to find a way to settle in and put both the pieces and the meaning of your life back together. The next step will be clear when you figure out where you stand right now.
September 17th: The choices you’ve been wrestling with have been tough. Feeling torn about where your loyalties are has made it more confusing. We all have times when it’s easier to bend over than it is to stand up and be who we are. There’s no need to feel like a hypocrite for doing what’s expedient. Money issues are major. The financial tide is out. Keeping the faith that it’ll come back in is harder than it looks. Your love life is on the upswing. Nothing permanent there, but at least someone’s showing some interest.
| | Monday, July 21st, 2008 | | 11:05 am |
42%
The chance of a relationship working out between beth lacasse and charles lacasse is not very big, but a relationship is very well possible, if the two of you really want it to, and are prepared to make some sacrifices for it. You'll have to spend a lot of quality time together. You must be aware of the fact that this relationship might not work out at all, no matter how much time you invest in it.
how's this for insecure... | | Monday, July 7th, 2008 | | 12:06 pm |
| | Tuesday, June 10th, 2008 | | 8:49 pm |
...when and if...
SAGITTARIUS: The person who’s driving you crazy needs to be crazy right now — as much as you want them to shape up, it is their turn to come unglued. Instead of seeing this as problematic, try to look at it as if it’s part of the cure. And if they don’t want you to hold their hand through this it’s because it’s something they know only they can figure out. When and if they pull themselves together, they may be ready to deserve you — but you can’t bank on that. Uncertainty is tough. Learning how to live with it is part of life.
| | Friday, June 6th, 2008 | | 7:47 am |
| | Wednesday, June 4th, 2008 | | 6:52 pm |
codependent - the answers
it's easy for me to play dumb, but the fact is i knew. even before the first time. i knew. (i read it here: May 30th, 2002: "and you gave up"). so why? why did i seek this out? i was so confident then, like i'm so confident now, about many things. but i was also insecure, unloving, terrified. i needed to go slow and feel safe and have control. and he gave me that. he gave me so much control, in so many perfect little ways, that i didn't have to run. and i loved it, like i love it now. he loved me for my mind and my heart and my humor - all the things i wanted to be loved for. all the things i knew how to be loved for. and i was so satisfied and so happy then that our relationship was "not about that." we joked about how it should bother us, but it didn't. it didn't bother him because he had everything he wanted. it didn't bother me because i didn't know any better.
and so there it was - our unspoken agreement that this is how it would be. and i was unhappy at times. i forget that, but i can read it here. i was. so how i let these six years go by and build up to this moment i have no idea.
but
the addicts would say that i do. i did this. i knowingly and willingly participated. i did this. they would say that i get something out of it. that there is some benefit to me. there was then, i see that. but i have absolutely no idea why i choose to do this now. still. i was working with a client today about why she chooses to be sad. she had uncharacteristic good insight into why - that sadness is who she is and if she lets it go, then what? who is she then? so she helps me learn: this is who i am. i am mostly very happy, but i have some things to work on. and i do work on it. i think about leaving. i think about staying. i think about what i have to do to get my needs met. i think about what happens if i don't. i think about what i would be thinking about if i wasn't thinking about this.
and
it scares me. stone cold fucking terrifies me. i'm afraid that i won't be happy. i'm afraid that i can't be happy. i'm afraid that i don't even know what it means to be happy. i'm afraid i'm working too hard. i'm afraid i'm not working hard enough. i'm afraid this is all just a guise for my natural flight response. i'm afraid it's my fault. i'm afraid it's his fault. i'm afraid that i don't know why. i'm afraid that i can't fix it. i'm afraid he's trying to hurt me. i'm afraid that i want to leave. i'm afraid that he wants me to. i'm afraid that i'll disappoint my family. i'm afraid that i will become my family. i'm afraid that no one in this world finds me attractive - never has and never will. i'm afraid for anyone to know. i'm afraid because no one does. i'm afraid i'll never have sex again. i'm afraid i won't want to. i'm afraid i'm bad at it. i'm afraid i'm good at it and i'll never know. i'm afraid that i'm half a person, half a woman this way. i'm afraid that every insecurity i ever had is ravaging my brain - i'm fat, i'm ugly, i'm depressed, I AM UNLOVABLE.
so maybe i am.
now what? | | 2:31 pm |
codependent - the questions
of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way. this is an addiction a set of specific compulsive behaviors and/or compulsive avoidance of specific behaviors. right. so does that make me codependent? everything i've read asks me to look at myself. who am i in this equation? why did i seek this out in the first place? why do i continue to condone/accept/enable it? | | Monday, February 18th, 2008 | | 8:51 pm |
You were smoking crack. Some people think that's a big deal - crack. Some people don't. But whatever other people say about crack, you think you have a problem. You smoke too much crack. I found out that you smoke too much crack because you lost your job. Because you were addicted to crack. There are other problems with your crack use, but the job is the biggie. Then, one weekend, you go back to work. You work a lot. You work four times in one weekend. You love it. You can't get enough work. Problem sovled. So it shouldn't bother me if today you started smoking crack again. Cause problem solved. Right? | | Thursday, February 14th, 2008 | | 6:44 pm |
| | Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 | | 8:38 pm |
| | Monday, February 11th, 2008 | | 2:09 pm |
| | Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 | | 4:10 pm |
Who could have predicted this? What you thought was supposed to happen turned out to be something else entirely and here you are, wondering how you got this lucky. When life reveals itself the way it has revealed itself to you, all one can do is stand in awe of how perfectly configured everything is. If this is supposed to be teaching you something, the lesson seems to be about letting go and letting God. Even the hardest parts of your reality are working for a change. Stop wondering why. Relax and enjoy it.
Oh, Real Detroit. I hope you are right this week... | | Tuesday, June 12th, 2007 | | 11:06 am |
you forgot to clean up after yourself this morning. i can't keep doing this... | | Thursday, June 7th, 2007 | | 6:41 am |
. . . . uncomfortable . . . . | | Tuesday, May 29th, 2007 | | 6:59 pm |
13.1
thank you
brian, for being so happy and proud and creating an 'alter to beth' and making everyone go and see it
sue, for being happy and jealous and talking (of course) for twenty minutes about it and for asking to put a picture of my medal on the website
leslie, for walking all the way down from the third floor to see my 'new toy'
su, for asking how it all went (and about the ice cream)
liz, for saying I inspired her to run a 5K
larisa, who knows what it takes, for saying that she's proud of me and giving me a hearty handshake
karyn, for acknowledging that I ran my brains out
and everyone else, since I am sure there's more to come.
I have spent so much time missing the ones who let me down and mourning the ones I have lost. I don't use the word enough, but I am blessed.
| | 12:17 pm |
13.1
It just keeps hurting worse and worse. I meant it when I said we are our own family now. We have all of the love and happiness and admiration and pride that we will ever need. | | Friday, May 18th, 2007 | | 10:00 am |
I can't believe that you called Pam a man-stealer. That's her man. She loved him first (and he loved her first too, by the way). Who doesn't want Pam and Jim to get together? I fear this may become a serious problem in our relationship... | | Wednesday, May 16th, 2007 | | 12:03 pm |
I am fantastic. I really am. Just about everything in my life is going exceedingly well. I am strong. I am healthy. I am a runner. I might struggle with the day to day responsibilities of my job, but I am confident in my ability and in my place in this agency. I am confident in my confidence. I can look ahead to my 10 year reunion with a complete sense of accomplishment and inner peace. I am proud of what I have done in my life so far, and I am constantly amazed when I think about my goals for the near future (marathon, China, etc.). But I'm struggling. It has been this way for the past few days. I guess I am happy and stable, and so I have the luxury of working on parts of my life that have been on the back burner. But they are the same things that have been there for years. I can go back into this journal and pick out the three or four topics that dominate every single post. I miss my dad. I worry about my brother and sister. I worry about/am irate with with my mother. I question my choices. And then that other thing that I can't even bring myself to write about now. It's exhausting. I wonder how many years of my life I will spend on these questions and insecurities. What would happen if I just let them go? What will happen if I don't? At times like these a girl needs friends. I haven't talked to anyone in weeks. Literally. Don't get me wrong - I really am happy and mostly quite content. I just need to vent and have a chance to say the f-ed up thoughts that have been running through my brain. Help? | | Friday, April 27th, 2007 | | 11:07 am |
I've got it all figured out. It's really a big scam, if you think about it. Those little multi-colored tablets do nothing to prevent pregnancy. They just prevent sex. And you don't even notice that you are sluggish and distracted and disinterested until you take off on a short vacation and forget to pick up your prescription and the next thing you know - wwweeeeeee - you're off like a rocket, only now you're unprotected and the only way to really squash that baby anxiety is to start taking those little multi-colored tablets again, and then the whole thing is knocked dead anyway. Whew. I have way too much "energy" to be sitting at my desk today. | | Wednesday, April 25th, 2007 | | 9:51 am |
rock star
Had my first "I'm a runner" moment today - 6:25 am, walking out the door into the pouring rain. I ran 35 minutes, walked 2, then ran 35 more. It was the strongest, best run I've had so far. Plus I felt totally hardcore running with the rain and wind and cold and morning traffic. Go ahead, worship me... |
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